Top 10 Reasons For Which You Are a Sucker: The Moms
Paper + Plastic’s The Moms just released Buy American and now these New Jersey boys have collectively made a list of the Top 10 Reasons For Which You Are a Sucker. How nice of them!
Top 10 Reasons For Which You Are A Sucker
Everybody is a sucker from time to time. Now more than ever, common crooks are trying to outwit the general public for the sake of their money, attention, time, and/or trust. It’s important to keep an eye out for yourself and realize when somebody is trying to make a sucker of you!
10) Impulse Check Out Line Purchases – You’ve just loaded a shopping cart, and you are patiently awaiting your turn to be overcharged for groceries. Avoiding eye contact, you’ll find yourself flanked by flashy branding and “shocking” headlines. Don’t kid yourself – you have absolutely no interest in pop culture, candy bars, balloons, or some intern journalist’s interpretation of how to give head. Finish checking out and get out of there before they take a limb.
9) Hand Sanitizer – Douse your hands with this perfumey squeeze bottle of viscuous rubbing alcohol and live forever with the peace of mind that you will never be sick again. Rest easy knowing that you’ve made a germ-free sanctuary of your body, while simultaneously becoming a statistic in somebody’s profitable experiment on the placebo effect.
8) Scratch Offs/Online Gambling – Money for nothing. Enticing as though this advent may be, it is simply too good to be true. Sure, there have been people who’ve won hundreds of thousands of dollars in an instant, but the government got most of it, and now they’re addicted to pills with a mortgage they can no longer afford. The odds will never be in your favor and every $15 dollars won is exciting enough to erase the memory of $200 spent.
7) E-Cigarettes – With more nicotine than an actually cigarette, E-cigs do a great job of increasing the frequency of somebody’s Nic fits. Smoke anywhere! Save money! Feels like the real thing! You will quickly find that none of these things are true and you miss the sweet, sweet suffering of burning tobacco and pesticide smoke. If you are trying to quite smoking cigarettes – try to just stop smoking cigarettes.
6) Starbucks – It’s just so… bold. Nothing if not consistent, Starbucks will provide its overpriced, over-caffeinated, over-roasted beans in a pseudo-bohemian atmosphere all over the globe. You still have a soft spot for the place because if you’re not reminiscing about learning to smoke cigarettes with your alternative middle-class peers, you’re falling in love with the thick-rimmed, thick waisted barista…again. I’ve never known anybody who has successfully worked at Starbucks without losing a certain degree of their sanity.
5) Boardwalk Amusements – Whether it’s your children, your girlfriend, or your addiction to throwing money into the ocean, ignore whatever it is telling you that you are the unbeatable alpha-male of carnival games. Despite a day of janky thrill rides and sunburn, you or your child will leave in tears entirely defeated, unable to attain the glorious prize of an oversized stoned banana stuffed with Styrofoam beads. If you don’t get robbed while playing the game, the foreign kid running the booth will take your wallet as you’re trying to pull the splinters out of your girlfriend’s feet.
4) Bottled Water – Unless you are living in a slum of a third world country, chances are you have access to a sink. Use it. Fill up the same bottle of water an infinite number of times for infinite savings. Don’t be afraid of tap water! Somebody in your local utilities department is getting paid to make sure that your water is safe to drink and contains all of the mind control drugs as required by local authorities. (If you have a well, be sure to get the water tested and acquire the appropriate water conditioning equipment.)
3) Credit Cards – Don’t spend money that you don’t have. Don’t dip your toes in a tank full of piranhas in exchange for a lobster dinner. Do not use “building credit” as an excuse to get a fancy sportscar, pizza boy. Credit cards are evil and slavery to debt is a threat to anybody with a social security number.
2) College – Drink heavily! Get laid! Try drugs in a low-risk environment! Borrow money! Fake cops! Free Food! Four years of young adulthood learning how to complete assignments! Knowledge is power, but realize that bachelors degrees are flying off the shelves these days for the low price of $80,000. Make sure the juice is worth the squeeze – don’t waste all that time and money on a degree that has no use to you. Unless you are capable of cloning dinosaurs, curing cancer, or building a time machine, experience and networking can be more practical than a secondary education.
1) The Internet – Everything in our world today is biased. If anybody knows an objective way to find out what’s going on in our world, let me know. Until then, do not bother reading anything on the Internet. Somebody paid for it, somebody is using it to somebody else’s advantage. If it isn’t selling you a product that will magically arrive in 5-10 business days, it is trying to sell you an opinion, a style, a sense of self. Steer clear of social media – it will make you feel bad before it makes you feel better. Use the internet to look up videos of your secret bestiality fetish, but be wary of it what it claims to be true, you sucker.
Honorable mentions: Frozen yogurt, Solid state amplifiers, Italian restaurant franchises, and cocaine.
About the Author
Denise Borders 39, Los Angeles. Denise founded PWV in 2008 and remains the primary manager and photographer/videographer. She is not secretly obsessed with Joey Cape.
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