Top 10 Taco Bell Etiquette Tips: Jono Diener (The Swellers)
When I write 10, I really mean 5 because resident drummer of The Swellers, Jono Diener, has a passion for Taco Bell and got very specific with this list. I’m sure most of you frequent this fast food phenomenon so continue reading to learn what not to do when feasting at the establishment known as Taco Bell.
Top 5 Taco Bell Etiquette Tips
1.) Know what you’re ordering. You’re in a fast food restaurant that has about 5 ingredients total. All the goofy names are just rearrangements of said ingredients. It’s not rocket science. Know your order and stick to it.
2.) If you spend more than $10 on yourself… you’re a huge asshole. Every item is maximum $3 or $4, and if you’re paying that much for a burrito it’ll most likely be big as hell. It’ll fill you up. I’ve witnessed friends plastered as hell when we’re on tour and even they will splurge and spend $8 which I think is crazy. If you’re getting more than 3 burritos and nachos then you probably need a blood test soon.
Spent over $10 on himself
He didn’t even finish
3.) The coin game. Now that you’ve spent exactly $3.16 (tax included) on your bean burrito minus cheese and onions plus potatoes and a cup for water, it’s time for you to win something. There are 3 slots at the top of this machine and several orange/yellow platforms leading down to that magnificent final landing strip. Want to be a winner? It’s simple. Put the coin in the MIDDLE slot and use your finger to flatten it as it goes through, making it land on one of the faces rather than the side like an IDIOT. Then rotate the platform things so there’s a direct path straight down to the 2nd to last platform. Drop the coin so it lands perfetly, as I do, then SLOWLY spin and shake until you land on that bottom heaven. You earn your free cinnamon twists, or your burrito or taco and you brag to your friends. Unfortunately if you miss, the money goes to charity 🙁
4.) The water cup trick. It’s simple. You ask for water, but the punk in our blood makes us thirst for something SWEETER. Something like, oh I dunno, RASPBERRY BRISK ICED TEA or BAJA BLAST. You take this cardboard goblet and bring it to the fountain drink machine and wait for the right time, and boom. You break the law. G.G. Allin lives vicariously through you for this moment. You become one with the gods and save that dollar on a drink. Don’t let the man bring you down, man.
5.) The flavor survival kit. Taco Bell has blessed with several, delicious flavors of sauces that come in bright-colored aesthetically appealing packets with strange, rapey messages on them (“Why say no when you can say yes?”). When choosing to consume said sauces, the protocol is to grab as many packets as you can and stuff them into your bag or your pockets. Think of it as a flavor survival kit. You put some on your over-Americanized Mexicanish dish, but then you bring the rest home. We can all agree that putting some FIRE SAUCE packets in a drawer is always a good idea. You may never use them again, but you will always appreciate the way they accentuate the feng shui of your humble abode. It is crucial to use several packets per item you eat and always keep the remainders to remind yourself have good of an idea it is to always eat at this fine, dining establishment.
About the Author
Denise Borders 39, Los Angeles. Denise founded PWV in 2008 and remains the primary manager and photographer/videographer. She is not secretly obsessed with Joey Cape.
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